Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
LOL!
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.