Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Beware…..
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Danger is very dangerous
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.