Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.