What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.