If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
WHY?!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Happy thanksgiving
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Some people were born into their job.