My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
This guy’s not having it 😆
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.