Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.