Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.