Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@LizHackett: Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

@LizHackett: My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

@LizHackett: Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.

@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn't look like we're seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@LizHackett: Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy's.

@LizHackett: A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

@LizHackett: Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I'll bring a salad.

@LizHackett: 1 am: can't sleep
2 am: can't sleep
3 am: can't sleep
4 am: can't sleep
5 am: can't sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and--
6 am: ALARM

@LizHackett: Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they're the reason you can't leave bags unattended.