Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

@LizHackett: Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@LizHackett: I'll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, "Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel."

@LizHackett: Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@LizHackett: Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

@LizHackett: My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

@LizHackett: Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.

@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn't look like we're seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@LizHackett: Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy's.

@LizHackett: A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.