Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : I'd be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU'RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

@LizHackett: I don't want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@LizHackett: Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, "Someday you will write jokes."

@LizHackett: It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@LizHackett: Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

@LizHackett: I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said "Oh, sorry" and closed the door like I'd walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

@LizHackett: My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. "That will be you and me one day," I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can't cancel.

@LizHackett: I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: "If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap."

@LizHackett: Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper "This was $7 at TJ Maxx" or "I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper."