Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.