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Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you're sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

@LlamaInaTux: Bob ross: we don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I'm sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

@LlamaInaTux: me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

@LlamaInaTux: the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

@LlamaInaTux: me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

@LlamaInaTux: *unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

@LlamaInaTux: [my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh... *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

@LlamaInaTux: me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

@LlamaInaTux: [police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say 'boing boing'

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar's letter i: that's the one. He killed my husband

@LlamaInaTux: Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we've served you the wrong salad