me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*


King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.


driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person


Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot


Batman: you absolute fool


Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.


wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving


Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.


Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!


Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?


me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer