People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.