Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Lucky for them, they’re cute
i love meeting boys on tinder
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Smooooooth
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.