my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.