Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
one last job
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look