Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
You Might Also Like
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.