*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.