Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You Might Also Like
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Had to try this trend 😊
This is why I hate group projects
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Mornin
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Dance like you’re not the father
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.