A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”