My biggest regret of 2014?
Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house
My new juice cleanse is called Vodka with a side of Tonic
“How come when my friends come over you’re suddenly the nicest mom in the world?”
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”
I wonder what Twitter employees do at work to waste time
It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door
A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair
A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.