I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You Might Also Like
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it