Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM