They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
rise and shine we got egg
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
.. do you even science?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.