Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.