Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Friday night party time 🥳
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one