Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ok like just. call me at this point
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.