You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.