Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first