*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.