My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.