My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.