I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed