I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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If you鈥檙e cremated, you can鈥檛 roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I鈥檓 swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
sergio leone: i鈥檓 going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what鈥檚 it called?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
i鈥檝e always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don鈥檛 know anything
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If you鈥檙e on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead