How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.