Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.