due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.