If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
And now we wait
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.