My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.