@Love_bug1016

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

@Love_bug1016

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

@Love_bug1016

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

@Love_bug1016

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

@Love_bug1016

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

@Love_bug1016

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

@Love_bug1016

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@Love_bug1016

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

@Love_bug1016

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops