@Love_bug1016: Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
@Love_bug1016: [plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
@Love_bug1016: therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
@Love_bug1016: therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
@Love_bug1016: My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
@Love_bug1016: overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
@Love_bug1016: In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
@Love_bug1016: [on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.