Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Love_bug1016's best tweets

@Love_bug1016 : Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

@Love_bug1016: Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@Love_bug1016: [plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@Love_bug1016: therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

@Love_bug1016: *seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

@Love_bug1016: therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

@Love_bug1016: My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

@Love_bug1016: overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@Love_bug1016: In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

@Love_bug1016: [on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.