Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.