a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops