Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened