My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
meanwhile over on facebook
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
i wish i could marry a nap
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.