*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW