I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Important reminders
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more