i think we should see other cousins
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.