Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Yeah. This was me today.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.