Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.