@LuckoftheDraw86: There is no "five second rule"...

Just a "shame-to-hunger" ratio.

@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: hey what's this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow...
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@LuckoftheDraw86: *hands you baby*

Here's your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn't come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

@LuckoftheDraw86: God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn't be such a bad thing.

@LuckoftheDraw86: Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

@LuckoftheDraw86: In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn't work like that...
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

@LuckoftheDraw86: Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT'S A BABY.
YB: And I'm a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

@LuckoftheDraw86: Good Cop: Book 'em.

Illiterate Cop: I'll just wait for the movie.