Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep: *folder meows*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?