Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!